Loving yourself …
Loving yourself, for many a challenge that manifests itself in caring for and taking into account others and thus often putting your own needs aside. A theme that I’ve only been working with since I began to feel more than a year and a half ago that I took more account of the needs of others and had trouble doing my own thing. And then suddenly it goes fast, with fits and starts. Again and again those aha moments that put me step by step in the right direction. Again and again a piece of the historical puzzle that falls into place and shows me where the extreme need to take care of (= getting love, being liked, etc.) comes from. There is now room for myself! Saying “No” is getting better and better, there is room for my own thing without me feeling guilty about it.
Give and receive
Giving and receiving also gets a different content, where giving was virtually limitless and receiving oh so difficult, gradually creates a sense of balance. Receiving can now be done with gratitude, where I muttered something, “that is too much” or “I can not accept that” and I felt unworthy. Giving comes more and more with the message to myself from where I give, does it come from love or from the old? I am letting go of the latter, leaving room for myself and my sense of love in giving.
The distorted reality that has arisen through experiences from my youth (including sexual abuse) has become transparent. The lines of my behaviour now towards these experiences begin to crumble and fade. There is room for me to love myself, to replace the old messages. “I am worth it”, and “I can be loved”, and finally “I love me!”. Then I think again and again about the song of Harrie Jekkers and hear it in my head …
Love thus also gains new meaning. New doors open, my eyes begin to perceive differently, my ears hear other things, the stratification of the sounds and the message I receive. Where “loving” included conditionality, it shifts to the other end of the spectrum, to unconditionally. Without condition, with all my Heart.
Squeezed by the conditionality and unworthiness, my Heart remained on guard, not too far open because of the vulnerability. Having the courage to open up the Heart and be vulnerable because you know you are OK and nobody can do anything about it becomes possible if you can love yourself unconditionally. On the way…